2016: My Year in Review

Sometimes I can be hard on myself. I tend to get to the end of a year and think, “I didn’t do this” or “I never got around to that.” This year, as I sifted through the 1,300 photos on my iPhone, I realized I actually had a really phenomenal year and that’s worth celebrating!

1. I met Hillary fucking Clinton. Sorry, Dan, that had to be number 1.

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2. I read 20 books.

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3. We spent my birthday at a relaxing Spa.

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4. We went “across” with my Mom. CAPPA.

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5. We flew over the Atlantic Ocean for the first time.

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6. We visited Europe…twice…!

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7. I learned some Italian.

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8. I ran 2 miles, two days a week, for most weeks.

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9. I wrote more here on my blog.

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10. I danced on stage with Morris Day and the Time.

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11. We saw Pearl Jam, The Dixie Chicks, Brandi Carlile, and Rev Run in concert.

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12. We spent a week on Martha’s Vineyard and celebrated Dan’s 37th birthday.

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13. We went to the Warren Fourth of July Parade for the first time and Dan won $75 worth of cheese.

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14. We hiked, walked and ran with Sadie more this year.

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15. We kayaked and fished.

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16. We saw 4 Lake Monsters games.

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17. I won 99 $1.00 bills at Breakwaters.

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18. I also won a year of flea prevention medicine for Sade, ha.

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19. I spent a lot of time with family.

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20. I baked countless breads, cookies and pastries.

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21. We gave our greenhouse a makeover.

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22. We installed new basement windows.

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23. I cuddled (a lot) with Brody and Sadie.sadie-brody-cuddling
24. We spent some QT with friends.

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25. We played on a softball team and donned jeggings.softball
26. We ran a 5K and had to eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the middle of it (and yes I realize how counter productive this was to #8)

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27. I became very close to the cat next door, Lily.

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28. I got to see one of my best friends have a baby (note: not *literally* see) and become an honorary Auntie.

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29. We visited Portland, ME.

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30. We went to Hampton Beach.

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31. We had awesome foliage and went on a leaf-peeing adventure to the NEK.

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32. I got *really* into nail art.

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33. I developed a new-found appreciation for both my dad and Sherlock Holmes.

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34. We made teacup bird feeders and became bird watchers.

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35. We got lots of snow in December and I continued trying to learn how to snowboard.

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36. I got to honor a close friend and coworker with a goofy video.

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37. I became a Nasty Woman – ok, let’s be honest: I always was one, but finally got the t-shirt to prove it.img_9507

38. I organized a drive for period products for a domestic violence organization.period-products-drive
39. I rekindled an important friendship.

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40. And…I finally hit that mother f-ing jackpot on Candy Crush.

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What a year!

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4 Christmas Songs With Weird Lyrics

I’ve been baking for the past couple of days and have had my go-to Christmas album on in the background. While coating peanut butter balls with chocolate,  frosting sugar cookies, and listening to the same songs over and over, I’ve noticed a few Christmas classics whose lyrics literally made me drop the spatula and say, “Wait, what?!”

I give you 4 Christmas Songs With Weird Lyrics:

1) It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year—by Andy Williams. It IS a pretty great time of year, isn’t it? With those kids jingle belling, and everyone telling you “Be of good cheer,” how can you really go wrong on this holiday? Welp, somehow Andy Williams has managed to: “There’ll be scary ghost stories /And tales of the glories of / Christmases long, long ago”. I’m sorry, did you just say you’re going to tell ghost stories at Christmas? I mean I get that “stories” rhymes with “glories,” but there are a ton of other options you could’ve put in there to keep the rhyme going: “fun family stories,” “folks from the quarries,” “fresh bread from Laurie’s” – you get my point. And while we’re at it, who the heck offers their guests toasted marshmallows on Christmas: “There’ll be parties for hosting / Marshmallows for toasting”. That’s just plain weird.

"I'm sorry! I'll be a better little girl next year! Just please stop with these scary stories!"

“I’m sorry! I’ll be a better little girl next year! Just please stop with these scary stories!”

2) Baby, It’s Cold Outside—Now known fondly in my house as “The Date Rape” song, this Christmas classic is all about the trials and tribulations of a guy trying to get it on with a woman who has already said “no” fourteen hundred times. And for every reason she gives for needing to leave, he has some bullshit excuse. He lies to her about the lack of transportation (“No cabs to be had out there); guilt trips her (“What’s the sense of hurtin’ my pride?”); repeatedly tells her how awful the weather is (“Baby, it’s cold outside”; “It’s up to your knees out there”; “Never such a blizzard before”); and blackmails her with death (“If you caught pneumonia and died”). He even hides her clothing (“Say, lend me a coat?”) and slips her Roofies (“Say, what’s in this drink?”). And the woman clearly has no idea what’s happening (“I wish I knew how to break this spell” – you can’t. You’ve been drugged). Yeah, sweet little holiday song, huh?

3) Little Drummer Boy – Suspend your religious affiliations for a minute here, and let’s pretend a couple really was giving birth to the “king.” The whole village comes out to give him gifts, and the poor boy in the song has nothing to offer but his musical skills. That’s really sweet and totally makes sense so far. Until we get to this part “Mary nodded / Pa rum pa pa pum / The ox and lamb kept time / Pa rum pa pa pum.” Can you imagine a wooly lamb and big strong ox tappin’ their hooves in rhythm? Maybe even shaking some sleigh bells from their mouths? Ehhh, that’s a little far-fetched, even for a Christmas song.

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4) Up on the Rooftop –Been singing this one since elementary school and never thought much about the lyrics until now. It starts off innocently enough, telling the story of Santa Claus coming down the chimney with lots of toys (for good little girls and boys). “First comes the stocking / Of little Nell / Oh, dear Santa / Fill it well / Give her a dolly / That laughs and cries / One that will open / And shut her eyes.” Ok, pretty normal. Nothing strange here until…
“Next comes the stocking of little Will / Oh, just see what  / A glorious fill / Here is a hammer / And lots of tacks / Also a ball / And a whip that cracks.” GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN. Yeah a hammer and lots of tacks is exactly what I would give a little boy who probably still wets the bed at night. And a whip to go along with it—perfect. He’ll start his BDSM lifestyle nice and early. WTF?!

Have you noticed any other strange Christmas song lyrics?  Please share them below!

10 Best Videos of 2010

Top 10 countdowns are always fun to put together and fun to read. Since it’s the end of the year, and since I’m so obsessed with YouTube, I thought I’d give you my 10 Favorite Videos of the Year.

#10—Fucking Sequins…oh, pardon me!

Usually the best part about someone swearing accidentally on live t.v. is the reaction of the reporter—deer in the headlights, is-this-going-to-get-me-fired panic quickly sets in. With this video though, the best part is how apologetic the interviewee is when he realizes he’s just dropped the F-bomb—in reference to sequins no less.

#9—Wendy’s Training Videos from the 80’s

Ok, so these videos aren’t technically from 2010, but they were unearthed this year and in my book that’s all that matters. It seems Wendy dropped a shit-ton of money in the 80’s producing what they believed to be “catchy” training videos for their employees. Lessons range from how to prepare “hot drinks” to the correct amount of ice to add to cold drinks, and of course, how much cheese to add to the chili. I admit these jingles do get stuck in your head IF you can allow yourself to disregard the actors who appear to be on speed.

#8 – Timmy Does Gaga

This kid is FIERCE and he doesn’t actually sing half bad. The incessant finger-snapping though, and Mom’s recording skills, not to mention her back up vocals, leave a bit to be desired. AND for the love of god, can someone please get this kid a shirt that actually fits him? P.S. Nice undies, Dad.

#7 – Old Spice Guy

Old Spice hit social marketing gold this year when they developed a serious of these quirky, yet hilarious commercials for their new body wash. They erupted over the internet and pretty soon everyone had a favorite to quote. What’s in your hand? Back at me. I am. It’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love.



#6 – Jared Leto Makeover

This video blew my mind the first time I saw it. HOW did this super cute GIRL transform herself into an extremely sexy, extremely accurate rendition of JARED LETO??? If I had seen her on the street dressed this way I would have immediately logged onto Gawker Stalker to share my 30 Seconds to Mars celeb-sighting. Ah-maz-ing.

#5 – Basil Marceaux: Next Governor of Texas

As my coworker pointed out, “This guy is the poster child for why we need primary elections.” Meet Basil Marceaux—the awkward, disheveled, possibly drunk, rambling fool who wants to be the governor of Texas (no big surprise there). As an aside, the man truly believes his name is “Basil Marceaux dot com.” How did he lose?

#4 – Llamas with Hats

Given my missing limbs phobia, it’s surprising I ever made it past the opening scene of this YouTube gem. But I’m glad I did because this turned into one of the videos I watched and proceeded to quote the most in 2010. Carrrrrrl. That kills people! I just can’t get enough of these llamas with hats…you could say, my humor has the rumblies, that only llamas can satisfy.

#3 – Man Forced to Eat His Own Beard

I’m thinking about moving to the south just so I can meet people like Basil Marceaux and Harvey Westmorland. Before I knowned it, there wuz kniiives, and guuuns, and everythang just went haywire. Apparently when you really want to stick it to someone, get ‘em where it hurts the most—the beard. It’s unclear if Harvey was more upset about having to eat his own facial hair, or actually losing his precious beard in the first place.

#2 – Crazy Coffee Lady

Look, all she was doing was putting one more type of coffee in her coffee cup when all of a sudden a man yelled, “Everyone up front and down! ” Why DID she need coffee at that exact moment? No one will ever know. But thank god she was there when the robber struck…or as she calls him “the rubber.”

Watch the original first, and then the remix:

Remix:

#1 – Bed Intruder

Is it really any wonder this is my favorite video of the year? Wellll, clearly, if you couldn’t guess this, you are so dumb, you are really dumb, for real.

Original – gets funny around minute 1:00 when we finally meet the now infamous Antoine Dodson

Remix – Bed Intruder Song

Well that’s the end of my countdown. Here’s wishing everyone out there a year filled with laughter, happiness, and at least 10 more amazingly funny YouTube videos. Until next year…<3 to you

Ernest Perves Up Christmas

As you all know from my last post, L-Boogie and I are participating in a Christmas Movie Marathon. We’re about a week in on this epic journey, and have already seen enough movies to make every Scrooge out there cry for his or her momma. It’s been grand.

One of the most interesting and unexpected discoveries we’ve made is how much your perspective on a movie can change over the years.  And as we’ve learned, this “rediscovery” is not always rainbows and butterflies.

What am I talking about? The sick, twisted, perverted film Ernest Saves Christmas, that’s what.

From what we both remembered about the 1988 flick, it was another happy-go-lucky movie starring the goofy, but loveable Ernest P. Worrell (Jim Varney). But re-watching it all these years later made us both notice a ton of sexual innuendos, intentional or not. 

During the course of helping Santa save the holiday, Ernest comes across a runaway teenage girl named “Harmony Starr,” (Noelle Parker) who becomes his side-kick. And this is basically where the perversion starts.

  • It’s morning time at the Ernest household, and Harmony is asleep on the couch. The camera slooooowly pans the entire length of her body, beginning at her feet, up her bare legs, over her torso, and finally to her head, where you realize she’s asleep on a zebra-print couch (if this couch doesn’t scream cheap porno, I don’t know what does). Who exactly thought it was a good idea to have a 16-year-old girl spend the night at a 40-year-old man’s house??
         
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  • Ernest has cooked Harmony breakfast, so she saunters up to him and props her (bare) legs against the counter.  Then, as if the scene didn’t make parents squirm enough, Ernest squeezes his face together and makes kissing noises. Children would think he looked like a fish.  I think he looked like a va-jay-jay. You be the judge.
  • In order to bust Santa out of jail (it’s a long story), Ernest dons and suit and tie and tells the prison he’s from the “Governor’s State Correctional Institutional Prison Fair Treatment Task Force.” Beside him, in a classic school-girl uniform is “The Governor’s niece, Mindy,” who’s writing a paper for school. As Ernest goes on and on about his surprise visit, Harmony twirls her pigtails, cocks her head to the side, bites her lip, and does her best to look like jail-bait. Ernest tells the prison guard that Mindy is the governor’s “pet-project” and makes eyes at the guard. Ernest even puts his head on her shoulder at one point, and Harmony cuddles back with him.   

These were just some of the awkward scenes, folks. Others I omitted involved talking ad nauseum about “Santa’s sack.” And yes, this was rated PG. Oh, 1988, you got away with so much.