I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR MY WEDDING

Apparently I need explicitly spell this out so that everyone gets the memo. I AM NOT ATTEMPTING TO LOSE WEIGHT FOR MY WEDDING.

How are people this rude and nervy to ask me such a ridiculous question? And not just one person, or two, or three–I’ve been asked this by at least 10 individuals. Is it any wonder women in America hate their bodies, when assholes keep suggesting every bride-to-be trim down for her special day?

I’m sorry if me liking and feeling good about my body bucks the cultural norm. But you need to stop putting your body-image bullshit on me.

P.S. FUCK YOU

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Clumsy

I don’t know what my fucking problem, but I’ve been the biggest klutz ever this week. I feel like a pre-pubescent boy who’s growing into his body too quickly.

Ok, granted, I’ve never been the most graceful individual. This summer’s stripper stage injury can attest to that (long story, don’t ask). But I’d like to think that since I’ve been living in this body for 27 years, I would finally have some fine motor skills…or at least the ability to walk in heels without biting it.

My cat Buddy has been doing this new thing where he jumps on your shoulder in order to get a ride into the next room (he’s also been licking cement, but that’s a story for another day). He literally hates when his paws make contact with the floor, and will now meow incessantly at you until you give him a lift. I’m convinced he’s playing that kid’s game “Step on a crack and you’ll break your mother’s back.” (Top prize: year’s supply of catnip!) Liam and I can’t figure out if he’s being OCD, or just plain lazy. Either way, he spends most of his time on our shoulders.


I should point out that sometimes Buddy jumps without warning. I’ll be at the counter chopping an onion, and BAM! Out of nowhere he’s lunging towards me. He still has his claws so it really hurts when you don’t have proper notice.  Guys, I’m not joking.

By the way, this is NOT Buddy but doesnt it look JUST like him? Think of that crow as me. Photo via http://www.rolfzoo.com

On Monday night he jumped without warning. I was walking by the closet and saw him out of the corner of my eye getting ready to pounce (cue the butt shake). Like a lion stalking his prey, he was crouched and his eyes were wide. “Buddy! Noooooo!” I yelled, fumbling backwards to avoid his razor sharp claws. The good news is he didn’t jump. The bad news is I rolled my ankle and fell directly into a door handle. Got a sweet bruise to prove it.

The accidents continued last night when my size 10 shoes knocked over the cat’s food and water dish. I spent 15 minutes cleaning up soggy “crunchies.” “Did you just not see the dish?” Liam asked, trying to understand how someone runs into a giant blue bowl of water in the corner of the room. “No, I saw it,” I said without explanation.

I think my favorite story though is from today.  Yep, it’s a real gem.  I’m standing in my coworkers’ cube, thanking her for the fresh mint she’s brought in for me, when she points to my skirt. “You’ve got a little something there. Um…Er….Not sure what it is…”

I look down. “Oh that?” THAT would be a large chunk of the cinnamon oatmeal I had for breakfast. Really?! Is this really what I’ve been reduced to? I don’t know if I’m more embarrassed by the fact that I missed my mouth when feeding myself, or the fact that I didn’t even NOTICE. Maybe I should rename this blog “Guacamole In My Hairbrush … and Quaker Oatmeal on my Skirt.”

For your listening enjoyment and to wrap this biatch up:  an oldie, but a goodie—Our Lady Peace: Clumsy.

Real Men Who Care Less

I think I’m going to start my own video segment called This Vid’s For You. Think Budweiser’s “Real Men of Genius” campaign, or in this case “Real Men Who Care Less.”

Today’s edition will be based on the New Hampshire Executive Council’s decision to reject a contract renewal with Planned Parenthood of Northern New England, thus leaving 15,000 Granite Staters without critical, preventative health care services.

Guacamole In My Hairbrush Presents “Real Men Who Care Less” (Reaaaalll Men Who Care Less). Today we solute you, Mr. Privileged White Male Executive Council Members (Mr. Privileged WhiteMaleExecutiveCouncil Memmmmbeerrs!). Because of you, 15,000 NH women are attempting to pull themselves out from underneath that bus you so carelessly threw them under (Man, it’s dirty under this busssss). You don’t have vaginas, but that’s not stopping you from making decisions about our bodies. When STD, cancer, and pregnancies rates go sky high, don’t blame us (babies everywheerree!).

And so, Mr. Privileged White Male Executive Council Members, this vid’s for YOU:

Help!

Guys, I need help. Although it bruises my ego to admit this, I can’t figure out how to do something on my blog. I want to install this fancy ‘lil plugin called AddThis so that people can easily share my articles on Twitter, Facebook, etc. BUT the problem is that my version of WordPress doesn’t allow plug-ins.

This is where I get lost.

I’m told if I have a WordPress.ORG account, I can install plug-ins. I have a WordPress.COM. Does anyone know of an easy way to change my blog to a dot ORG and not lose everything? Do I just need to find a site to host me? Will that eliminate my problems? Can anyone offer some guidance and step-by-step instructions? Puw-lease??

Love,
Your Tech-UNsavvy, but extremely grateful friend Amy

Dog Crap

Wow, it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything on here. I was reminded of this fact as my favorite shuttle driver escorted me into work this morning. God, that old man is bonkers. But anyway, you already know that.

Posting on a regular basis was one of my biggest concerns about doing a blog. I never wanted to feel like obligated to write a certain amount per week or even month because I knew the quality would suffer. I also wanted to avoid posting mindless shit that was reminiscent of my old LiveJournal account or a Facebook status:  “OMG. Today I went tanning and got sooo burned! I look like a raccoon. Lolz!” I’m sad to admit that was an actual post from my college years.  And despite all of this, here I am wasting two paragraphs of your precious time on the mindless shit I wanted to avoid in the first place!

Let’s talk about a different kind of shit for a minute–DOG shit. I’ve been dog-sitting Maggie since Saturday and I’m really enjoying it. She’s such a good dog–she never barks, she’s listens when I call her, and she’s really sweet. The only thing I’m kind of struggling with is picking up her poop.

Owned.

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is NOTHING more degrading than picking up dog shit.  The whole concept really just blows my mind. We are a pretty evolved society. We have electric cars, iPhones, the world-wide-web, and have almost nailed down time travel. But you’re telling me no one has come up with a better alternative to sticking your hand in a thin plastic bag and picking up a hot pile of dog crap?

Each time I bend over to properly dispose of Maggie’s “business,” I know every cat-owning neighbor is laughing uncontrollably and thinking “What a sucker.” As if that’s not bad enough, I then have to walk home CARRYING the smelly bag of poop for all of Shelburne Road to see. I call this the Dog Shit Walk of Shame. Why don’t I just stamp “This dog OWNS me” on my forehead and call it a day?   

I’m serious when I say the person that invented this practice should be rewarded. He or she has managed to dupe an entire society into believing Fido is worth following around and cleaning up after. I mean, think about it. No one treats dogs like we do here in America. We invent “doggy daycares” for them, allow them to take up half of our beds, take them for walks a few times a day, and sometimes pay an exorbitant amount of money just to own them.  What do other countries do? Make them sleep outside until they’re ready to eat them. Ok, so that’s not the norm. I’m just saying it’s crazzzzy we pick up dog poop and think nothing of it!  It’s no wonder some dogs don’t listen to their owners—would you respect someone on their hands and knees picking up your breakfast, lunch, & dinner? Yeah, didn’t think so.

Before I stop talking about this lovely subject, what’s the proper etiquette on doggy-diarrhea? A good friend told me “we don’t pick that up,” and that was the best news I’d heard all day.

It’s time to stand up

Alright, I don’t normally post politicalness on my blog, but today I’m making an exception for a super scary bill.

We interrupt this program to bring you a special bulletin: Shit is about to hit the fan.

It’s very likely today or tomorrow the U.S. House of Representatives will vote on a bill to completely eliminate Title X Family Planning. What the heck is that? It’s a program that provides pap tests, STD screenings and treatment, breast exams, HIV tests, and more.

Unfortunately, this shit-tastic bill doesn’t stop there. The Pence Amendment also wants to strip Planned Parenthood of all federal funds. What would happen if this became reality?  Planned Parenthood would cease to exist as we know it. More women would have unintended pregnancies. Cancer would develop, undiagnosed, in countless women. Millions of women would be put at risk of sickness and death because they rely on Planned Parenthood for basic health care. 

I’m not just writing this post because I work for Planned Parenthood. I’m writing because this affects ALL of us, even men. It’s true! Men, think about:

  • YOUR GIRLFRIEND who relies on Planned Parenthood for her monthly supply of birth control (so YOU don’t end up a daddy quite yet)
  • YOUR SISTER who found a lump in her breast and came in for a cancer screening at Planned Parenthood.
  • YOUR FRIEND who had unprotected sex with that sketchy frat guy and need STD testing, as well as Plan B.

Or do it for me, because I’ve unfortunately experienced all of these scenarios, and without Planned Parenthood I don’t know where I would be today.

Here’s how you can help, and seriously, some of these options take minutes to do:

  • Call your  reps and senators and say “Vote NO on the Pence amendment to defund Planned Parenthood and any effort to eliminate Title X (ten) and family planning funding.”
  • Write a letter to your editor saying you are outraged (and use our nifty little template).
  • Change your Facebook profile picture to show your support for Planned Parenthood.
  • Text “I support PP” to 69866 (I KNOW you all have the unlimited texting plan!)
  • Spread the word—tell people about what is going on and encourage them to take action.

Please take a minute to help. It’s a bill that truly affects all of us. Feel free to get in touch with any questions.

A bit of free advice to politicians everywhere

  1. For god’s sake, have a freakin’ website! This is 2010.  People want and expect to obtain their information from the ‘net, despite your bizarre aversion to it.
  2. Having voters find “JoeSchmoe.com is presently down for maintenance” FOUR days before the election is a bad, bad thing. It shows you don’t know how to use technology, you aren’t paying attention, and basically, you’re an idiot.
  3. If it takes me till the third page of Google results to even find your website, do everyone a favor and drop out of the race now.